


Tread the Path

by insteadisleep



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, Honestly a place to archive my decisions as Ryder but poetically, Ryder/Cora bromance, SAM/Ryder bromance, Sara is conflicted about her father, Self-Discovery, Suvi/Ryder relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 03:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14685999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insteadisleep/pseuds/insteadisleep
Summary: Sara comes to terms with her new role as Pathfinder. She discovers what this new role means to her and through her journey throughout Andromeda, decides what kind of Pathfinder she wants to be.





	1. SAM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara is determined to be different than her father.

“…perhaps you should begin in your father’s quarters.”

_Yeah, I don’t think so._

As Sara told the rest on hearing the news of Alec’s passing, she was never close to her father. He gravitated to his work (no pun intended) more than he did to his own children and thus Sara and Scott grew up mostly on their own, depending on one another.

The most interest that Alec ever showed either of his children was during their time in the Military and specifically Sara’s role in Prothean research. All for professional, scientific purposes, of course. So the thought of entering into a space where her father slept feels too foreign and personal to be comfortable.

His decision to make her Pathfinder feels wrong enough.

“Not right now, SAM,” Sara says, and it’s almost instinctual the way she measures her voice as cool and professional. Like her father. Like a _real_ Pathfinder. Before she could delve deeper into that black hole of thought, she finishes her sentence. “We have a ship waiting and a planet to visit.”

“Of course, Pathfinder.”

She makes her way to the Docking Bay, and SAM stays silent.

\---

It takes until Sara’s return to the Nexus from Eos with a victory under her belt before SAM brings it up again. She had just disembarked and was currently sitting in Hydroponics, checking her next orders. She greenlights a research project from Suvi when SAM speaks.

“Pathfinder.”

“Yes, SAM.”

“I will once again suggest that a visit to Alec’s quarters will benefit and perhaps ease you into your new role as the Pathfinder.”

Sara’s finger pauses over the datapad in her hand. “Don’t you think I did a good job on Eos?” She speaks the words lightly, casually as if speaking to the Tempest crew. It’s become the way that

“Undoubtedly. And I believe that with insight on your father’s experience of being the Pathfinder, you can conduct your role with greater wisdom.”

Greater wisdom. That’s what everyone saw in Alec’s leadership, a vision bolstered by the bravery to see it to the very end and the wisdom to know the paths to take and the decisions to make. As Sara is concerned, all the Nexus leadership sees in her is inexperience. Green as a drell, like Drack said back on Eos. At least the Krogan had the decency to make it sound a little endearing.

It’s the blatant mistrust of her judgment that continuously steers Sara on a path completely diverging from her father. The reason why she makes a point to laugh a little too loudly on the bridge or add a little more snark in her conversations with Addison and Tann. _I’m the Pathfinder now and having the name Ryder doesn’t mean anything._

Sara laughs lightly, albeit a little nervously. “People seem to like the way that I am.” She hates how insecure and defensive the comment sounds.

There’s a beat of silence very unlike SAM before the measured voice returns. “As do I, Sara. Of course this is only a suggestion, and I do not expect you to take every suggestion I give although I assure you that these suggestions are meant to assist you.”  

Sara pauses at the sudden change in tone of the AI. “SAM, are you trying to guilt me?”

“No, Pathfinder, merely sharing my thoughts.”

\---

Sara bites the bullet. She feels the weight of her father’s quarters as soon as she enters the room. It is as immaculate as she expects, the sidearms lined up under white light, the pillows as if they’d never been touched.

When Sara walks toward the computer terminal to the left, she spies a coffee maker amongst the other small kitchen appliances. She knows Alec’s affinity for coffee and remembers her first coffee after getting out of Cryo.

Sara is aware of SAM talking about her father and giving more information about the place where he spent most of his free time, but for once Sara doesn’t pay attention. She picks up what she figures to be the last file that her father looked at before the mission on Habitat 7. Instinctually, she straightens the file and the folder before taking the seat in front of the terminal.

“SAM?”

SAM stops some comment on the hard drive or something similar. “Yes, Pathfinder?”

“Did you know my father well?”

“Yes, Pathfinder. We shared a private link as you and I do currently.”

Sara swivels a bit in the chair. “I know but… how much did he tell you?”

“About what?”

“About…. Being chosen as Pathfinder.” _About me and Scott?_

“Alec Ryder knew about the importance of his role as Pathfinder and the impact that his decisions would have on the entire Andromeda Initiative.”

That wasn’t the answer that Sara was looking for, but she nods anyway.

“He never doubted his decisions or his place. He knew that he could not hesitate because to hesitate would mean leading the Initiative astray.”

Sara nods again, a discomfort forming low in her stomach. “Right,” she says and SAM doesn’t respond. “Well, I think that’s all I want to know about my dad, ever.” She stands from the chair and moves purposefully to the door.

“Pathfinder.”

“What is it now, SAM?” Sara nearly demands, stopping just as she reaches the foot of the bed.

“I believe that Alec Ryder made the correct decision in choosing you as his successor.”

The laugh that Sara huffs out is full of mirth and disbelief. “Have you seen me?”

“Yes, and my assessment is not without evidence. There are multiple ways a Pathfinder can be successful. I believe that Alec chose you for your instinct and candor. In the dire situation that the Initiative has found itself in, you were the obvious choice.”

When Sara scoffs, she registers that it sounds a little watery. “I still think he chose me because Cora was back at the shuttle.”

“I disagree.”

“Of course you do, SAM.” Sara leaves her father’s quarters and starts the walk back to the Nexus. “Let’s just hope I don’t undo all of Dad’s work. His vision with wisdom and all that.”

“I believe that you are putting the Initiative on the right path.”

“You did _not_ just make a Pathfinder pun.”

“We must hurry, Pathfinder, we have a ship waiting and another planet to visit.”

Sara smirks and keys in the code to the Docking Bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> insteadisleep on tumblr!


	2. Jaal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara makes her first life-death decision as Pathfinder and deals with the consequences.

Sara tells Jaal she will save all of the Angara. It is a promise made in passion, on the heel of witnessing the horror of what the Kett call, ‘exaltation’. She immediately regrets it, knowing it’s a broken promise the second the words come. With the Moshae already being moved deeper into the facility, it’d be a task saving her let alone thousands on thousands of other individuals. But Sara only trains her eyes on the ground and grips her rifle tighter, not even having the courage to look Liam in the eye after he gave her an out, and she only replied with “Plans change”.

\---

The fight is gruesome and barely won, and Sara has another chance to make good on her word. She knows the decision that her father would make, and it terrifies her when she instructs SAM in a cold voice to blow the place when given the signal.

Without hesitation, Jaal shoots the last hope for his wish in the head and keeps pace with the rest of the squad to the extraction point. It makes Sara sick to see him so unaffected, and even more so when

During the shuttle ride back to the Resistance base, Sara keeps her eyes on the window, watching the Kett base detonate from the inside and fold into itself. She feels a twinge of victory in her chest and then the shame catches up, smothers the pride, and manifests as slight pricks in her eyes. She bites her tongue and lets the pain keep the tears back. She talks a big game about being different than her father, changing the Initiative and being ‘better’. Then she sacrifices thousands of lives with a single command. She had taken the title of ‘Pathfinder’ with such enthusiasm. She can see now that it had been arrogance and when it comes down to the hard decisions, she couldn’t be trusted.

The rest of the Resistance crew are ecstatic about the return of the Moshae, and Sara vaguely hears her when she reaffirms that she made the right decision. Sara thinks she smiles and thanks the Moshae before the Moshae moves off to speak with Jaal. Out of the corner of her eye, Sara sees them, huddled on the bench, talking in hushed tones.

Jaal doesn’t talk to her the entire trip.

Sara doesn’t blame him.

\---

Kallo says something first. Sara stands at the bridge of the Tempest, once again focusing her vision on one spot, when he speaks.

“Pathfinder, I don’t mean to be rude, but your finger tapping is really throwing off my piloting.”

Sara jolts and realizes that she’d been drumming her fingers rather rapidly on the console. “Sorry,” she says and stuffs her hands in her pocket.

Suvi points out her feet-tapping less than a minute later and gently suggests a break. “You’ve been through a lot just now, Ryder. You deserve to watch a vid or two.” Sara allows Suvi to steer her out of the bridge, but she doesn’t go to her quarters.

Instead, Sara takes an immediate right and begins to pace outside of the Tech Lab, knowing that’s where Jaal holes up most of the time. They are on their way, victoriously, back to Aya, and Sara can’t stand the thought of continuing on with him if he is angry with her. She shakes her head. There is no ‘if’. Jaal is furious.

Sara raps her knuckles on the door before she can stop herself. The doors whisper open, and Sara sees Jaal sitting.

“Ah, Pathfinder. Please, enter.” Jaal sounds as chipper as he usually does and treats her equally politely.

It bothers Sara to no end.

“I have just spoken to the Moshae. She is very much looking forward to seeing Aya again.” Jaal is moving around the lab now, picking up a datapad before putting it down and glancing at the screens with various schematics. “It is—”

Sara interrupts him and steps around in front of the Angara. “No, stop it, Jaal.”

He tilts his head slightly. “What should I stop?”

Sara throws up her hands. “Being nice to me! Come on.” She shoves him in the chest with force that makes him take a step back. “Have it out with me, I deserve it.” Her jaw clenches, and she knows that means that the tears will come soon, but she forces them back. “Yell at me, Jaal. I left thousands of your people there to die, you should hate me.” _I know I do_.

There is a second of heavy silence before Jaal shakes his head. “I have no reason to hate you. It was a hard decision to make, and I trust your judgment.”

“Why does everyone _say_ that?” Sara fists a hand in her hair in frustration, turning away from him. “Why can’t you tell me I’m wrong? Why do you and _everyone else_ trust me blindly?”

“Because you have our best interests in mind.”

Sara looks at Jaal with what she can imagine as a dumb expression.

“If I truly believed that you were in the wrong with the decision you had made, I would not have killed the last Kett as swiftly. My anger led me to believe that we could save all of the Angara but logically it would not have been feasible.” Jaal smiles a wry smile. “The Angara are very emotional, and I commend you for keeping your head in the moment.”

Sara feels herself deflate. “It wasn’t that simple for me,” she says and leans against one of the bulkheads. “I felt cold making that decision… like I betrayed you and all of the Angara in Heleus.”

“Did you need a blanket?”

“No, not that kind of cold. Like… I felt like I didn’t have a heart.” The feeling is there, below her sternum, festering. She unconsciously touches the place above her stomach.

Suddenly, Suvi comes on over the comms. “Pathfinder, we’re orbiting Aya.”

“Tell Kallo to put her down,” Sara says immediately. She feels the stone in her voice, and she can tell that Suvi does as well because there is a slight pause before she responds,

“Yes, Pathfinder.”

Jaal places a hand on Sara’s shoulder that would be normally be comforting but now only makes her want to recoil. “The fact that you are concerned about me is evidence of a heart,” he says.

Sara smiles at Jaal, and feels the chill in her chest spreading. She takes a deep breath. “I guess so,” she says but knows she doesn’t believe it.


	3. Reyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trust is earned and learned.

Of course the second that Sara decides she is going to conduct herself more professionally (except when talking to Tann because fuck that pompous Salarian), Reyes Vidal inserts himself in her life.

The smooth, snarky smuggler annoys her greatly at first as a reminder of the easy confidence she left behind on the ashes of the Kett base on Voeld. It feels as if the universe is taunting her.

“You seem tense, Pathfinder,” he teases when they first meet.

“Do I?” Sara returns, deadpan.

Reyes motions a hand in front of her form as if trying to scan with no scanner. “I think you’re holding out on me. I feel like you should be more fun.”

“That’s unfortunate.” And Sara slams back the rest of her drink to stifle the instinct of a sharp reply before leaving the bar. She hates that a stranger could read her quickly and easily. She had spent most of the time on the trip to Kadara in her quarters, looking through files and reports and training herself to hold back her smiles at Peebee’s quips, Liam and Jaal’s banter and Suvi’s adorable excitement at finding some odd anomaly in the stars.

Sara had noticed the crew’s prolonged glances in response to her disposition. They never said anything, though. _But that’s good,_ Sara thinks. _Less to explain._ She walks purposefully, staring down any Outlaw that looks her way.  

\---

From her first step on the port and even before she meets with Reyes, she chooses Kadara as the next planet to settle on purpose. It’s the challenge that she’s been looking for: exiles, smugglers and other rough and tumble individuals to overcome if she wanted to settle there. And she wants to settle there if only to say that she can.

The challenge comes early in meeting Sloane Kelly. It kills Sara to plaster a smile on her face, and she tells this to Reyes as she takes the edge off with the drink that he owes her.

“I knew you weren’t as big of a fresa as you made yourself out to be.” They sit, facing out to the rest of the port, the sky burnt orange and dimming the closer she looks to the horizon.

Sara doesn’t know the word but can figure out the connotation through the smirk on Reyes’s face. “I’m the Pathfinder,” is her weak, alcohol-filled excuse. “It’s not like I can go on and make jokes.”

“Why not?” Reyes asks. “You make really good ones.”

Sara blinks at him. “Because I’m the Pathfinder,” she says again, this time placing a slurred emphasis on her title. It only makes the smuggler laugh. For some reason the alcohol doesn’t seem to be affecting him as much as her. She narrows her eyes. Did he even get alcohol? She almost misses his next words.

“So that automatically means you can’t have fun? Step on any toes?”

Sara thinks on the poker game that Gil had talked her into during their next dock in the Nexus and how she never hesitates to give Tann a piece of her mind whenever he wants to butt heads. Her only response is to take another swig from her tankard and relish in the burn it sends shooting down her throat.

“All I mean to say, Ryder, is that life is too short to change how you are. Especially here in Andromeda.”

At the end of the night, Reyes escorts Sara back to the Tempest where it takes Vetra and Cora to hoist her aboard and get her safely in bed.

In her dreams, Sara sees herself old, like her father around the time he died. She sees herself haggard, wielding her avenger rifle, Pathfinder armor rusting. She walks toward an endless sea of kett. _Life is too short_.

\---

From there, her annoyance with Reyes turns into an easy respect. She learns that they do most of their talking over drinks but also learns her limits when it comes to partaking.

They’re in Kralla’s, not Reyes’s haunt of choice, but Sara insisted for the view. They both take slow draws from their tankards and Reyes lets out a deep sigh. It’s an amiable silence before Sara breaks it.

“Hey, Reyes?”

“Ryder.”

Sara speaks slowly taking a moment to choose her words. “I’ve been thinking about what you said the last time we really talked.”

“When I had to call your crew to come fetch your drunk ass? I remember the night.”

Sara fixes him with a hard glare to which he responds to with a wink. “Well before that, you said that life is too short—”

“To change who you are, yes I remember.” All of a sudden, Reyes is looking at Sara with what looked like sincerity. “I’d hoped you heard me. I don’t give advice often and thought you’d made me waste it.”  

“I heard you,” Sara confirms. “I kinda screwed up not too long ago.”

Reyes holds up a hand. “Wait a second, I’m getting us another round.”

The night passes, and the patrons come and go while Sara confides in Reyes who is surprisingly a good listener. They are almost kicked out by the bartender, but Reyes drops her a big tip and they leave among the very last stragglers in the port.

“You’re alright, Reyes,” Sara says before they part ways.

“You’re not so bad yourself, Pathfinder.” They shake hands, then Reyes claps a hand on Sara’s shoulder. “Leaders make tough decisions, and if Jaal has forgiven you then you’re only hurting yourself by still thinking about it.”

Sara grins. “Careful. If you keep this up, I might start taking you seriously.”

Reyes flips her off while walking away. “Now you owe me a drink!”

\---

Slugging Reyes in the stomach proved to solidify their partnership and possible friendship pretty well. A few moments after the incident, it’s the smuggler who opens up, telling Sara he wants to “be someone”.

The confession affects Sara more than she expects. It’s raw and reminds her of when she used to talk to Scott about their future.

“I want to make my own way, Scott,” she’d say. “Be me.” The next day she had told her father that she wanted to be a researcher more than a security officer. A week later, Alec came to visit her in the hospital, frowning disapprovingly at the fresh stitches on the side of her cheek.

“If you trained in security,” he’d said. Sara had bit her tongue and simply turned her head away from her father.

Now being thrust into her father’s shoes, she knows that such a simple wish is a tall order to fill. How can she be herself with so many people expecting a grizzled veteran as their Pathfinder? She’s slowly starting to piece together the answer. With guidance, as SAM taught her, with judgment, like Jaal assured her. By trusting herself, like Reyes taught her.

“You don’t have to be somebody, Reyes,” Sara says quietly, gripping his shoulder. “Who you are and what you’re doing now is enough.”

Reyes smiles, but Sara can still see doubt in his eyes. “Let’s hope so, Ryder.”

\---

When Sara sees the sniper, she plants her feet and watches Sloane hit the ground. She trusts Reyes and most importantly, she trusts herself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmu on tumblr @insteadisleep


	4. Cora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara starts learning how to be a leader

Even before becoming the Pathfinder, Cora made Sara nervous. She was her father’s second in command, and sometimes Sara wonders if she knew her father better than she did. Because of her rank, Sara knows that the two spoke outside of work. It may have been about more work, but it isn’t incorrect to assume that Alec had more words with his Lieutenant than his own daughter. Especially after her mother died.

The thought is enough to make her keep her distance, but after Alec’s death she knows she can’t continue with treating her like that. Cora is _her_ second now. That also makes her uncomfortable. She would be alright if it was the other way around and Sara was playing second to the undoubtedly more experienced woman. She even asked. But the transfer happened to her and not the Commando. No going back.

Sara isn’t happy about the arrangement but even she is surprised by Cora pointing out her inexperience in such a blunt manner. She’s lucky it isn’t said in front of the rest of her team. It wouldn’t have instilled a lot of confidence in her crew if she’d been called out in front of them and she’d just stood there, dumbfounded.

She barely gets the retort out, “Are we going to have a problem?”

“No,” is Cora’s simple response, and Sara leaves the Bio Lab flustered, embarrassed and hating herself. If she can’t stand up for herself against someone supposed to be a teammate, how will she survive the rest of Andromeda?

\--

After that one encounter, their relationship becomes professional. They travel Eos and its vault together, but even after the harrowing experience, nothing comes of it other than the occasional small talk.

Then one day, Sara finds a thin silver sword in a kett container. It’s impossibly light and whistles through the air when Sara tests it. She becomes aware of Cora at her side, looking at the sword with a combination of awe and something else that Sara can’t place. She stops swinging the sword in arcs and offers the handle.

“Do you know what that is, Ryder?” Is all Cora says.

“Uh, looks like an old Earth katana like in that one vid that Liam made me watch with the samurai—”

“It’s Asari. An Asari blade.”

“Is it?” Sara cuts through the air again. “It’s pretty great! I bet it can kick more ass than my omni-blade.”

Cora sighs and plants her hands on her hips. “That’s not—Ryder you should take this seriously!”

Sara is genuinely confused. “I’m not taking it seriously?”

“I mean you don’t know how to use it.”

Sara frowns and offers the handle again. “Well, if you can get more use out of it, you should have it.”

Cara shakes her head almost vehemently. “I don’t want it.” She must see the confusion on Sara’s face because she finally elaborates. “I can teach you how to use it. If you want, of course.” The last part is tacked on hastily, but Sara finds herself replying just as swiftly, almost overlapping with Cora.

“I mean, yeah of course sure! If you want to!”

Liam looks between the two of them. “Weird,” he says.

\--

Sara meets Cora down in the cargo bay the next day as the Tempest travels back to the Nexus for some routine checks and much-needed shore leave (even if it’s for two days max).

She had been instructed to dress light, so she opts for her old Alliance workout gear, the tight shorts and cropped shirt that shows her arms and stomach.

As she makes her way down to meet Cora, she hears a jovial, “Excellent form, Pathfinder!” from Jaal which is almost enough to make her blush if she doesn’t almost collide into Suvi a second later. The scientist gasps in surprise, and Sara pretends she doesn’t notice her unabashed staring before she startles herself out of it and passes Sara with a whispered “Goodness!” under her breath.

Cora, however, isn’t as impressed. She’s dressed more modestly in white and blue Initiative issue workout gear.

“Should I go change?” Sara asks, as Cora gives her a wry smile.

“No, it’s fine. Seems like the rest of the Tempest enjoyed it.”

Sara huffs. She wants her and Cora to have a more personable relationship, but does she have to be teased for it to happen? Its like the jab about her being new all over again, to less of an extent, but nonetheless.

“Are you blushing, Ryder? Did _Suvi_ see you?”

Sara hears her own voice, exasperated and sharp. “Alright, that’s enough, Lieutenant. I thought we were here for a training session.”

Before she can even process her own words, she notices Cora, looking as surprised as she feels. She can imagine she still looks like a gaping fish when Cora replies, smile watered down to an expression that almost looks impressed, “Of course, Pathfinder.”

The sword is somehow connected to her biotics, and it bothers Sara when her rush to attack a training dummy is turned into a purple flash of energy. She stops with the blade poised at the neck of the dummy, feeling the pull of biotic energy catching up with the rest of her body. She hates the way it feels: she disappears from the world for a moment, splitting into afterimages of herself that don’t quite feel real. She can take it when she needs to jump a high distance or phase through a barrier. It’s essential then, a tool. There’s something different about using the force of the dash to dig a blade into somebody’s throat.

Sara turns the sword around in her hand and offers it to Cora right in the middle of the commando’s praise.

“Nice work, Path—what are you doing?”

“I don’t like using my biotics.”

Cora frowns but still makes no move to take the sword. “You use your biotics all the time.”

Sara shakes her head firmly. “Not to kill.” She can see Cora’s displeasure growing as she places her hands on her hips (a sign that Sara has come to know as disapproving) and deepens her frown. She’s hit with the sudden need to elaborate, and she tries. “It reminds me too much of… them. My parents, I mean.”

“Oh.” Sara watches the disapproval dissolve into discomfort. “Right. Your mother—”

“Did biotics research and my father used his every chance he got. That’s probably why he liked you so much.” She doesn’t mean for the last part to sound as bitter as it comes out, and Sara immediately bites her tongue and glares at the ground. “I think Suvi is comm-ing me,” she says and leaves the hangar bay before Cora can respond.

\---

Sara keeps to the bridge as much as possible in an attempt to avoid Cora. She’s staring out at planet they’ve been orbiting for some Initiative work when the doors behind her open. She’s halfway turned around when she hears Cora’s voice.

“Kallo, Dr. Anwar, can I have a moment alone with Ryder?”

Kallo is already on his feet and moving toward the door, and it’s a slight reassuring nod from Sara that makes Suvi follow him.

Sara stays at the bridge with her hands clasped behind her back as Cora comes up along her side. It’s then that she notices her handful of lush, green leaves. Sara stares at them for a second before looking up at Cora’s face. It looks to be in the middle of a transition between a cringe and a smile.

“They haven’t grown flowers, yet,” Cora grumbles. “It’s something people do, right? Give flowers to apologize?”

“Um, yeah,” Sara responds and takes the verdant bouquet.

“I’m sorry for teasing you.”

“I’m sorry for overreacting.” The apologies overlap each other, and Sara gives Cora a rueful smile. “You’re my second, I think you’re supposed to be giving me flak.”

Cora chuckles and faces the viewfinder. “Maybe. Doesn’t mean I can overstep my boundaries just because I’m a little jealous.”

Sara follows her movement. “You don’t seem the jealous type.”

“Trust me, I am. I understand now, though, why Alec chose you instead of me.”

“Because you were back at the shuttle? I honestly don’t know why he chose me, you’ve had more training.”

“I think that’s it. It’s not about the training. It’s about the heart.”

Sara scoffs. “You sound like Jaal.”

“Let’s call it instinct, then.” Cora turns and fixes Sara with a serious look. “I couldn’t make half of the decisions that you already have. I’d be too obsessed with thinking about what your father would do.”

“Oh trust me, I don’t take one step without thinking about the way Dad would do it.”

“But you don’t let it paralyze you.”

Sara’s look is incredulous. “Not that you can see.”

They lock eyes for a long moment before Cora looks down. “I guess I don’t know a lot about you, Ryder.”

Sara shrugs. “We’ve kinda been tiptoeing around each other.”

“Well, I know a great way for us to bond.”

\---

Sara and Cora meet for their training sessions three times a week and Ryder makes sure to leave the Alliance gear in the way-back of her closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> insteadisleep on tumblr!


	5. Suvi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara feels the most human she has ever since taking up the mantle of Pathfinder.

When Sara starts falling for Suvi, her first thought was that she had more of her father in her than she thought. She’s always known that her love of exploration comes from him but assumed that’s where the similarities ended. And then Dr. Suvi Anwar offers to send her a sixty-page paper on soil, and Sara is immediately enamored.

She knows it’s cliché and incredibly unprofessional, and for a while she tries to keep the conversation limited to soil and rocks (which is difficult in of itself because Suvi lights up in the most adorable way when Sara asks about ‘soil aggregates’) but then she blurts out that she thinks Suvi is cute in the middle of the bridge, and there’s no turning back. She nearly trips over the step to get to her place in front of the controls, and it’s only Suvi’s giggle that keeps her from combusting out of further embarrassment.

They continue to tiptoe around each other, passing gentle compliments and shy smiles to the point where Peebee yells, “Make out, already!” as they leave the Tempest to the Nexus’s docking area with their shoulders touching. Suvi flushes red, and Sara shoots Peebee a look which she doesn’t see as she’s skipping toward her apartment.

“Sorry,” Sara says softly as they walk.

“Don’t be.” Suvi bumps her shoulder. “I think she’s a little jealous.”

“Why would she be?”

Suvi hums. “I’ve heard how you two met: her straddling you and all. If I saw the girl I fancied smiling because of another woman I’d be jealous, too.”

It’s Sara’s turn to blush. “It’s not—”

“It’s alright, Ryder,” Suvi interrupts. “It’s not like we’re a couple. You’re free to flirt with whoever you like.”

“Yeah, right.” Sara tries for a laugh. “Not a couple.”

She still kisses Suvi on the cheek in front of the Tech Lab as if they were ending a first date and watches a little smugly as she stumbles in and stutters a greeting to the rest of the science team.

\---

“What was your father like?” Suvi asks one day. They’re sitting in the galley, picking apart some of the powdered omelet that Drack made for breakfast.

Sara barely catches her grimace and does her best to turn it into a thinking face. She already knows the answer, but she takes a second or two to wonder if it’s worth sugarcoating. “Distant,” she finally says. “Distant and cold.” She thinks about the comparison and shifts in her seat.

Suvi nods and takes a bite of the food in front of her. “You must be more like your mother then.”

When Sara first fell in love with another woman, it was her mother who grinned widely and invited her over for dinner. Sara knows her capacity to love comes from Ellen Ryder, and she’s glad that was her inheritance. Sara remembers being told that she has more Alec in her than Ellen, and the quick indignation that rose in her throat only validating that claim. Sometimes Sara wonders if her father bought into that belief and chose her as his successor because of it. Not because he believed in her, but because he believed she was most like him.

“I wish,” Sara scoffs.

“She was a scientist, right?”

Sara never talks about her mother. It’s easier now that years have passed since the funeral but thinking about the catalyst to her father’s obsession with work and neglect of her and Scott still sends a shock of pain through her chest. When Suvi asks, Sara looks up with the ache already balling in her heart and sees nothing but sincere curiosity that dissipates her pain completely. “Yeah,” Sara says. It’s quiet, almost breathless. “The best.”

She can’t fathom any star brighter than Suvi’s smile. The scientist leans forward, propping an elbow on the table. “Tell me about her.”

She does, and the pain fades with each anecdote. They end up laughing well into the morning, and Sara doesn’t know how much time has passed until Kallo pokes his head in the door with a hand over his eyes.

“Sorry to intrude, Pathfinder, but we’re orbiting Vetra’s nav point.”

“Kallo,” Suvi says in the endearing tone that Sara knows to be reserved for her closest friend. “What are you doing?”

“Hm? Oh, just in case you needed privacy.”

Sara watches Suvi turn red as her hair. “You!” She jumps up and chases Kallo out. Sara catches her saying “We’d lock the door at least!” before the galley is quiet again.

She takes a moment, trying to push down her goofy smile and resume the countenance of a Pathfinder. It’s harder now, with her and Suvi’s attraction, but she can’t deny that it’s making her job better. Sara also notices that the rest of the crew doesn’t seem to mind the softening of her demeanor. Overall, the Pathfinder having a pretty girl to kiss seems to be doing wonders for the team.

Sara returns to the bridge and takes her place at her console.  “Alright Kallo, go down.”

“Suvi, isn’t that how—”

“Kallo!” Suvi interrupts frantically.

\--

They confess their affections over a cup of tea and are inseparable from that moment. They share sweet kisses in Sara’s quarters and the quiet corners of the Tempest, especially before she disembarks on missions. It takes a lot for Sara to not grab Suvi and make out with her in the middle of the bridge as the ship tears through the galaxy. In all honesty, it’s Sara’s respect for Kallo that holds her back.

She finds that each kiss keeps her grounded. She finds that she feels the most like herself, the most human with Suvi. There are no expectations with her. There are only endless affections and laughter. She could love Suvi. Sara thinks she already does. 

On the first trip to Khi Tasira, everything happens so quickly and then blasters are going off and Suvi is in her ear as she and the rest of the ground team are barely holding off a kett ambush.

“Sara?” Suvi crackles over the comm. “Sara we’re getting insane readings from your location. Is everything alright?”

Sara pulls back behind a pillar just as  a blast shakes her shields. She breathes hard, turns and unloads on the one who shot her. The kett tumbles to the ground as Sara ducks to reload.

“Pathfinder, more kett approaching.” Sara cocks her rifle and spins around, taking out one then two then three more.

“Sara—”

“I’m busy!” She goes to shoot again but is blasted in her stomach multiple times. She flies backward and skids on the ground, only stopping because of another pillar. Sara’s fingers fly over the omni-tool trying to restore her shields but another beam gets her in the torso. It’s only Cora sprinting to cover her that gives her a chance to get back into the fray.

They push back the kett and make a run for their next destination, Sara clutching her right side and clenching her teeth in pain.

\---

Suvi is there to greet her on the return to the Tempest. She flings her arms around Sara, digging her fingers in her short hair and kissing her harshly. It’s only the pathetic and pained whimper that makes her pull back.

She’s immediately taken to the Med Bay where she’s stripped of her armor and muscle shirt. Her eyes are squeezed shut in pain, but she hears Suvi’s sharp inhale.

“Burn marks,” Sara hears Lexi say from somewhere to her left. “The impact is sending bruising up and down her abdomen, but she should be alright with some medicine and rest.

“I’m sure it’s not even that bad!” Sara quips, though she can barely get the words out without biting the inside of her cheek to keep from groaning. She braces herself then opens her eyes to glance down at the wound. Nausea rises up instantly at the sight of green and blue webs intertwining across her ribs along with an angry smattering of red. Sara thinks she sees the wound pulse, and she nearly passes out.

Her first thought is of the inconvenience. She needs to speak to Tann and the other Pathfinders and figure out the next move and…

Sara feels a gentle hand on her lower back, and the next thing she knows she’s lying in bed.

When she wakes next, the lights in the Med bay are dimmed. She struggles to sit up and looks around. Her eyes fall on the form of Suvi, slumped over in a chair next to her.

Sara’s heart stutters at the sight of her, still in her uniform, head resting on her right shoulder. Sara reaches out and ghosts her fingertips across the back of Suvi’s hand. The scientist startles awake, hopping a little bit in her seat and amidst feeling guilty for waking her, Sara feels the familiar spread of affection in her chest.

“Sara, you’re awake.” There is clear relief in Suvi’s eyes and something sadder. Sara aches to kiss her. She shifts in the bed, and Suvi scoots closer. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

Sara furrows her brow. “What for?”

“I distracted you. Called you in the middle of a fight.”

Sara watches as Suvi’s fingers reach out, and she glances down to see that her torso had been bandaged. She takes Suvi’s hand. “It’s alright, Suvi. I’m the Pathfinder, I—”

“You’re more than that title, Sara.”

In the second after Suvi says this, Sara’s mind short circuits. “I—” Somewhere past the pain in her side and the ever-present insecurity that bubbles in her stomach, she knows that to be true. Then she thinks of her father: a man who became consumed by his training, his job, by being the Pathfinder.

“Pathfinder, your heart rate has elevated. Should I contact Dr. T’perro?”

Pathfinder. Pathfinder. She doesn’t remember how or when the tears started to fall. She processes Suvi’s arms around her gingerly and feels the dull throb of her wound.

“You’re Sara Ryder.” Suvi speaks into her neck, burying her face in the space near her shoulder. “I’m in love with Sara Ryder.”

The phrase ‘in love’ makes Sara’s mouth dry. “I—I don’t think you know me… behind that title.”

“I do. You’re kind, you’re generous.” Suvi starts to draw circles and flowing lines on her back. “You’re selfless. You’re reckless.” Sara feels Suvi smile against her skin. “That makes you an excellent Pathfinder but also a phenomenal woman. A woman who is not allowed to die on me.”

Sara wraps her arms around Suvi and murmurs simply, “I love you too, Suvi.” They pull back, and Sara kisses her.

She hopes that when history speaks of her, they speak of her deeds as Pathfinder and as a phenomenal woman. She hopes that they see her be human with flaws and struggles and learn from those struggles. She hopes they learn of the crew who guided her just as much as she guided them. She hopes she’s not seen as a hero more than she’s seen as the person under the armor. She hopes they see her as Sara Ryder, Earth’s Pathfinder.


End file.
